How are you holding your opinion?

I played tennis growing up. When I was taught to hold the racket, I was told to imagine I was shaking someone’s hand. Hold it with a firm grip—but not so tight you’re trying to crush it and not so feeble you can’t hold it. That way you have more flexibility and control.

The analogy is useful when it comes to holding our opinions about right and wrong.

Right and wrong are judgments that we make. They don’t exist in nature. A tree isn’t right to grow where it grows, or wrong to drop its branches on a power line. If a young puppy pees on your floor, is that right or wrong? You’ll be the arbiter, not the puppy.

There’s nothing right or wrong about holding an opinion about what’s right or wrong. But are you holding your opinion in a way that works for you?

Often the answer is no—because we can grip it with such grim determination that we’ve lost all our natural flexibility and open-mindedness. This grip happens when our minds habitually convert an opinion of rightness into being right. We become self-righteous, making any challenge to our opinion a threat to our self-esteem. Our intent will then devolve into making other people wrong to protect ourselves.

That’s messy and costly, even if your opinion is right. Think of the times you’ve been in arguments with a colleague or partner and they devolve into a power struggle. When that happens, your self-esteem has taken over your grip, and you’ll be less effective. Even if you’ve proven yourself right, you’ve now produced a lot of upset.

One way to restore flexibility is to slow down when you notice you’re getting upset in a discussion and ask yourself the question, “Am I willing to be wrong?”.

If the answer is “no”, your grip is informed by a resistance to being wrong and you will operate with defensiveness. If the answer is “yes”—an honest yes—then you’ve restored your flexibility. You can change your grip, slow down, ask questions. By willing to be wrong you stop making “being wrong” something to fear and you can access your wisdom and creativity.

Now if you’re right, you’ll be effective and right. If you’re wrong, you’ll become more informed. Either way, you benefit!

Give it a go and let me know.

To flexible thinking,

Tom