Is your focus in the right place?

When the world seems chaotic it’s tempting to assert control over it, so we can feel secure and stable. But have you noticed that the more you attempt to control events, the less you feel in control? The problem is that we are usually looking in the wrong place for stability: we’re looking outside of us, when we could be looking inside of us.

It is the nature of the world—and by that I mean the events that take place in our lives—to keep disobeying our rules. A rule might be that the world should be fair, or people should treat each other with respect. If those rules are important to you, then you’ll be upset when you see them being broken, your inner world roiled by feelings that most people want to protect themselves from—some form of anger or sadness.

We clench up in defense of those feelings and our thinking may sound like “if I control this event, then I can stop this unpleasant feeling!”. The habit trains a brain to see the outside world as the place to provide stability, not your own self.

If you slow down and introspect—ideally with a brilliant coach (me! me!)—you can ground yourself in a deeper understanding of your relationship to what’s happening. You can make space to explore your interpretation and add more perspectives.

A starting point is to label your feelings. It’s remarkable how that alone can restore sanity. Then consider what interpretation led to those feelings. Now you can make space for more possibilities for handling what life throws at you.

This is not magic. Self awareness won’t change that something happened, nor will it make the world fair. It’s not positive thinking either—no pretending things are better than they are. But it is about freedom. You can start working more responsively and creatively with the world as it is, not as you wish it were.

To strengthening self-awareness,

Tom