You have something in your teeth!

Have you ever returned home from a meal out and discovered to your horror there’s a piece of food lodged quite evidently in your teeth or something hanging from your nose?

And you realize, nobody said anything.

There’s a good gauge of friendship: will someone interrupt your train of thought to point something out that you would want to know, even if it’s awkward to do so?

In team meetings, it’s rare that anyone actually has spinach in their teeth or a snotty nose. Instead we have the banalities of “you’re on mute” and “there’s a strange noise coming from your mic”. It’s hardly an act of service to point those issues out because they don’t reveal anything challenging. 

But what is problematic is that people will go on digressions, or say something that is clearly confusing to the rest of the team, and everyone will, politely, fail to point it out. 

I will ask clients “when you saw that [name] was digressing and you were no longer engaged in listening, why didn’t you interrupt?”. And people seem genuinely surprised by the question. It’s as if the thought of interrupting someone is plainly worse than having them continue to miss out on what everyone else is seeing.

The justification I hear is, “well, it seemed rude to interrupt…”

Ruder than letting them lose their audience? 

I think we need to get more discerning about the difference between an interruption that is for your benefit, and an interruption that is for their benefit.

An interruption for your benefit is based on your impatience to say something to move on and move away from the speaker. It telegraphs annoyance and a desire for control.

An interruption for their benefit starts with genuine listening, so it’s tone-sensitive and telegraphs benevolent interest. If you’re really listening to someone, you have a genuine urge to better understand what they’re saying, and you will naturally interrupt to ask questions. 

A good way to think about this is how you would interact with a friend. You would care more about their integrity than your own ego. You would listen and act out of concern for them to express themselves fully, not out of impatience and a desire to shut them up and move on.

So keep this in mind in your next team meeting. The voice that says “don’t interrupt” is often saying that because it cares more about how you might be perceived, than it does about the actual person in front of you. If you genuinely care about someone, you will point out that they’re not getting their point across or they’re digressing. 

Or, that they have food in their teeth. 

Here’s to more loving interruptions.

Tom

P.S.

If you’re interested in learning more about coaching your leadership team, reach out for a quick chat. Be warned: we may interrupt you. 

Photo by Jon Tyson, Unsplash.